hoaran: btw at dinner tn my mom said harry styles looks like a monkey and my brother looked her in the eyes and said “these meatballs are shitty and youre fucking rude”
rachael-likes-pie: my dad forgot Martin Freeman’s name so he sad Bilbo Watson
genocidercyo: clockey: you’re the window to my wall you’re the sweat that drips down my balls
kkatkkrap: justdrinktea: so in Japanese, we sang Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. here’s a general gist of the translation: Rudolph had a shiny nose no one liked him he cried every night then one Christmas it was dark Santa decided Rudolph’s nose was convenient (literally it says convenient) Rudolph was useful. I SHIT YOU NOT.
starksexual: i was at the bus stop with my sister the other day and for no apparent reason, she says: ‘dude, there are more dead people in the world than living people’ and the woman standing beside me whispered ‘holy shit’ and i fucking lost it
captain-kirks-perfect-hair: omgtsn: nugger ...
whatslifewithoutfandoms: DOES THIS SOUND AGGRESSIVE IN YOUR HEAD oh look now it’s normal sarcastic LOUD
lettucefetish: i basically assume that people don’t like me unless they explicitly tell me they like me and then periodically remind me
How Benedict Cumberbatch takes a compliment:
Benedict: I do have a slightly strange face and, um, it's always marked me out as being somewhat period drama orientated, I guess. And, I--
Louise: Your face isn't strange.
Benedict: Why is--well, okay. Alright, thank you. Um....but anyway, my my sort of--yeah, anyway uh--it's weird! Um, but uh, I've got, yeah.
pastalad: pastalad: so this morning my dad said “hey we got some tomatos” and i walk into the kITCHEN AND THE ENTIRE TABLE WAS COMPLETELY COVERED IN TOMATOS LIKE DAD THAT IS NOT SOME TOMATOS THAT IS A FUCKLOAD OF TOMATOS WHRE DID YOU EVEN GET ALL OF THESE TOMATOS JUST IN CASE YOU FUCKERS THOUGH TI WAS JOKING
boygrimlark: scout-ebubbles: docot: freddybenson: leovaldezstyle: freddybenson: A B C the brazilian wandering spider’s venom can give you an erection lasting for hours D E
tsialyn: the-laughing-cactus: jaclcfrost: if i was in a fictional universe i wouldn’t be the main character i’d probably be that friend of the main character who lacks supernatural powers or special abilities but makes up for it with sarcasm and really lame one-liners Hi.
destiel-sherlocked-the-tardis: Joffrey’s such a little shit. Look at him, fluttering his eyelids like he’s too precious for this world.
just-laff: egberts: if i ever met a genie i wouldnt wish for a million dollars id wish that whenever i bought something i’d always have the right amount of money to pay for it in my pocket you are one of the great thinkers of our time
largebeard: foodchewer: *hides good snacks from family members*
petparent: poopflow: do you ever feel like a plastic bag No, I always feel like a Prada bag
winchesterlicious: where the fuck are the boxer briefs for ladies just make underwear that are just like boxer briefs but without the bulgy package area in front for fuck’s sake you don’t need to make them shiny or lacy just make them comfy and streamlined without awkward seams and maybe in some basic colours that aren’t white or that awful “flesh tone” colour
blein: sO my friend’s dog died and she lives in new york city and so she had to take it to the vet by the subway and she put the dead dog in the suitcase on the subway and it was a pretty big dog and some dude saw that she was struggling with the suitcase so he asked if she needed help with it and he said do you mind me asking what’s in it and she didnt want to say a dead dog so shE SAID IT WAS...
radmarco: the doctor told me I only have 6 months to live maybe 12 if I get enough likes on facebook
Imagine Harry Potter was set in Australia.
thedeepestcircleofhell: “Three blokes sitting outside the pub lift their heads as they hear a car engine rumbling, to their disbelief, the iconic 2008 Holden ute flies overhead, nothing but the wooping of the two young boys driving it and AC/DC blasting out of the sound system can be heard.” “You’re a cunt Harry” says Hagrid, Harry looking like a stunned mullet. “Oi nah fuck off mate” replies...